“Letting go” isn’t about erasing the past, pretending nothing happened, or admitting defeat; it’s an active journey that rewrites how our memories and emotions hold sway over us. Letting go involves a set of cognitive and neurobiological shifts—experiential acceptance, cognitive reappraisal, and memory reconsolidation. In letting go, there is a process of cognitive reappraisal, which means reframing how you interpret a hurtful event—shifting from “They did that to me on purpose” to “They were acting out of fear or ignorance” (Rojiani et al., 2017). The result is a diffusion of the emotional charge that accompanies the hurt.

You’ll know someone truly needs to let go when they can’t stop replaying the hurt, their sleep is restless, or their body tenses up at the slightest reminder. For example, if a client describes intrusive thoughts, chronic neck or chest tightness, insomnia, or keeps sabotaging relationships by revisiting old wounds, those are the clear “tells” that resentment has become toxic (Watkins, 2008; Kirmayer, 2001).

So why do we cling to grudges in the first place? Part of it is hard-wired: our “negativity bias” evolved to encode threats more deeply than neutral events so we’d survive danger (Baumeister et al., 2001). On top of that, we adopt the emotional coping styles modeled by family or culture—if caregivers ruminated or lashed out, those scripts become our default (Bandura, 1977). And individual differences—like high trait neuroticism or insecure attachment—can make some of us replay hurts on a continuous loop and subsequently struggle to forgive (Toussaint & Webb, 2005).

Most people try to keep painful feelings under wraps. They suppress them—deciding “I’ll deal with this later”—or they repress them, shoving them below awareness before they surface. Experimental work shows that deliberate suppression spikes heart rate and skin conductance, signaling that the body is still in turmoil even when the mind thinks it’s “keeping it together” (Gross & John, 2003). Repression, while harder to capture in a lab, is tied to alexithymia, difficulty naming emotions, and an avoidant coping style (Cramer, 2000). Left unaddressed, these buried emotions manifest as headaches, insomnia, digestive upsets, and hypertension (Kirmayer, 2001).

Anger itself often masks deeper roots of fear or wounded pride. A threat appraisal—“I might be hurt again”—activates the amygdala circuits that underlie defensive anger (Lawler et al., 2005). Moreover, when our self-image feels threatened—a phenomenon known as threatened egotism—those high in vanity or hubristic pride can erupt into hostility, whereas authentic pride actually predicts more prosocial responses (Morf & Rhodewalt, 2001).

The cost of holding on shows up in every sphere. Mentally, rumination is a well-documented gateway to depression and anxiety (Watkins, 2008). Physically, chronic resentment keeps cortisol elevated and resting blood pressure high, increasing cardiovascular risk (Lawler et al., 2005). Socially, unforgiveness erodes trust—partners who fail to forgive report lower satisfaction and more conflict over time (McCullough et al., 1998).

Okay, so how do we let go? Research points to four complementary mechanisms that counsellors can integrate into letting-go therapy or forgiveness coaching. First, experiential acceptance—simply allowing the feeling to arise without judgment—leads to faster emotional recovery and underpins any effective emotional-release technique (Hayes et al., 2006). Second, cognitive reappraisal—rethinking the story, for example telling ourselves “They acted out of fear, not malice”—engages prefrontal control networks to dial down the amygdala (Rojiani et al., 2017). Third, memory reconsolidation—updating the emotional charge on old memories—weakens their future impact (Nader & Einarsson, 2010). And fourth, forgiveness imagery—visualizing a genuine pardon—has been shown to reduce anger, rumination, and even cortisol spikes compared to revenge-focused thoughts (Fehr, Gelfand, & Nag, 2010; Strelan & Covic, 2006). I often tell my clients that the cognitive shift in letting go feels almost identical to the shift we experience when we forgive, which helps orient them to a process that feels more achievable.

Counsellor New Westminster, BC

Do you want to enhance personal and spiritual growth, increase personal effectiveness, improve interpersonal relations, strengthen coping styles and adjust to life transitions? The change begins here.

Keith Norris, RTC, MTC is a Counsellor in New Westminster, BC specializing in Therapy for Depression and Anxiety and Couples Counselling. He maintains a Client Centered method to his therapy but will combine other systems to custom fit each Client’s needs.

When a client feels stuck in this letting-go process, a counsellor can best support them by normalizing these “tells,” guiding them through each step, and assigning brief between-session exercises. For example, after psychoeducating about why we can’t let go, I invite clients to keep an anger diary, rate their distress on a 0–10 scale before and after each forgiveness-imagery practice, and journal any shifts. Gentle in-session role-plays or guided imagery can help activate those neural circuits in a safe environment. Pairing emotional release homework with relaxation techniques like progressive muscle relaxation further eases the somatic tension that often traps resentment in the body.

David R. Hawkins’ surrender technique weaves these concepts into a simple practice. You begin by recalling the hurt just enough to activate the emotion, then allow it fully without judgment. Next comes surrender, where you reappraise or forgive, flexing those prefrontal muscles to calm the threat response. Finally, you release the old charge, leveraging memory reconsolidation so that next time the memory surfaces, it carries far less weight (Nader & Einarsson, 2010).

Ready to give it a try? Think of one lingering hurt and rate your current anger on a 0–10 scale. Bring that memory gently to mind, notice whatever arises, reframe the story with a compassionate “they did their best,” imagine offering forgiveness, and then check in with your body again. You might be surprised how just a few minutes of this active letting-go practice can free up mental space for calm, clarity, and deeper connection. Again, this is not admitting defeat in any way—it’s only self-care.

Want to learn more about letting go of resentment or anger?

References

Baumeister, R. F., Bratslavsky, E., Finkenauer, C., & Vohs, K. D. (2001). Bad is stronger than good. Review of General Psychology, 5(4), 323–370.

Bandura, A. (1977). Social Learning Theory. Prentice Hall.

Cramer, P. (2000). Defense mechanisms in psychology today: Further processes for adaptation. American Psychologist, 55(6), 637–646.

Fehr, R., Gelfand, M. J., & Nag, M. (2010). The road to forgiveness: A meta-analytic synthesis of its situational and dispositional correlates. Psychological Bulletin, 136(5), 894–914.

Gross, J. J., & John, O. P. (2003). Individual differences in two emotion regulation processes: Implications for affect, relationships, and well-being. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 85(2), 348–362.

Hayes, S. C., Luoma, J. B., Bond, F. W., Masuda, A., & Lillis, J. (2006). Acceptance and commitment therapy: Model, processes and outcomes. Behaviour Research and Therapy, 44(1), 1–25.

Kirmayer, L. J. (2001). Cultural variations in the clinical presentation of depression and anxiety: Implications for diagnosis and treatment. Journal of Clinical Psychiatry, 62(Suppl. 13), 22–30.

Kirmayer, L. J. (2001). Cultural variations in the clinical presentation of depression and anxiety: Implications for diagnosis and treatment. Journal of Clinical Psychiatry, 62(Suppl. 13), 22–30.

Lawler, K. A., Younger, J. W., Piferi, R. L., Jobe, R. L., Edmondson, K. A., & Jones, W. H. (2005). A change of heart: Cardiovascular correlates of forgiveness in response to interpersonal conflict. Journal of Behavioral Medicine, 28(2), 149–159.

McCullough, M. E., Worthington, E. L., Jr., & Rachal, K. C. (1997). Interpersonal forgiving in close relationships II: Theoretical elaboration and measurement. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 73(2), 321–336.

Morf, C. C., & Rhodewalt, F. (2001). Unraveling the paradoxes of narcissism: A dynamic self-regulatory processing model. Psychological Inquiry, 12(4), 177–196.

Nader, K., & Einarsson, E. Ö. (2010). Memory reconsolidation: An update. Annals of the New York Academy of Sciences, 1191, 27–41.

Rojiani, R., Dahl, C., & Ochsner, K. N. (2017). Cognitive reappraisal modulates amygdala response during interpersonal conflict: An fMRI study. Journal of Neuroscience, 37(6), 835–843.

Strelan, P., & Covic, T. (2006). Forgiveness imagery and its effects on anger and rumination. Journal of Behavioral Science, 14(1), 45–59.

Toussaint, L., & Webb, J. R. (2005). Gender differences in the association between forgiveness and well-being. Journal of Social Psychology, 145(2), 159–175.

Watkins, E. R. (2008). Constructive and unconstructive repetitive thought. Psychological Bulletin, 134(2), 163–206.